Personal Evolution

Childhood home, the tobacco fields and forests of Ohio. My introduction to the mysteries of life. Family, friendship, love, and loss, and death. My memories start in this state. Until the age of 11 I lived in a trailer park in the town of Batavia. A lot of houses close together, a lot of guide less teenagers doing stupid things. My dad was on the fire department, and we camped a lot. My childhood a lot of time was spent climbing in and around the fire trucks at the old 32 fire station. We rode in a lot of parades, and spent time with the other kids of the fire fighters. We would camp several times a year with them, enjoying the trails and the night time fires with them. They are part of an extended family. I think of one man in particular as an uncle.

We move a half hour east, and it might as well have been a completely different world. Farmers fields all around us. Cattle in a pasture near by. Different scents, different sounds. Peaceful nights. You could see the starts. The STARS!!!! I grew up in an area where the nights sky was drowned out by the industrial lighting from the street lights, and the ford plant down the street. Nature was all around us in Sardinia, Deer out in the fields, birds in the trees and in the air. I met new people that were a whole different type. It was more laid back there, even if they were into drugs, starting with pot, and slowly going heavier before they got out. Or we lost contact.

I moved to Kentucky for work, and I lived down there for a year. I worked with some great people. It was a mostly good experience. I lost my Papaw in March of 2015. He had a hard fight with leukemia, and it was sad to watch his sudden decline.
I worked a lot and I spent a lot of time with my papaw. I made a few friends at work, but beyond that not much happened.

I got a transfer to Tampa, and in a lot of ways, this is where my life begins again. I don't have any family members near me, and I do not have their expectations of me hanging over my shoulder anymore. I get to explore, and really figure out who I want to be. I am living with my fiancé. We are preparing for our wedding, and getting our own place together. She has two daughters, and I really enjoy their presence, and would do anything for them. My spiritual path is still changing and evolving, I am trying new things, and trying to peace together thoughts and ideas. I dislike the job that I have, it is still soul numbing. I am looking for something new, and something much, much closer to home.  My personal evolution is underway, and I am now on the journey with my soul mate. Where we end up, we have no idea, but our journey is going to be amazing. I'm looking forward to each step along the way.

Rains of Paris.

With all of the things that went down on 11/13 we have a choice to make. Each and every one of us. Actually choices. Do we cower in fear, jumping at shadows and the sounds of rain? Or do we see what the evil of extremism creates? Do we choose to look at ourselves, and see the impact that our actions have on each other? Do we see that we, at the individual level can change the world? We need to see what we do, see how it affects people. We have more things in common, than we have differences.
Religion, is a large part of the problem. The followers of Islam, and Christianity, have been at each others throats for the last 1,000 years. It's time to put that aside. It's time to get over yourselves. It's time to be the religions of PEACE AND LOVE that you SAY YOU ARE. The extremists on each side, need to be shunned loudly, publicly, and with your full being. Both religions are part of the same family. The Abrahamic religions, founded by his descendants. The Bible, and the Quran hold much of the same information. Both religions preach peace, love, and understanding. To both, Jerusalem is a holy city. Both, claim to preach peace and love, it's time to show it.
We need more peace, love, and understanding in this world. Paris, was the result of a severe lack of these things on a major scale. It was the result of extremism. Extremism is the modern day plague, it IS a mental illness, and if there is a way to treat it, it needs treated. I am choosing to keep living my life, yes I may be more aware of things, and how those actions may affect those around me. I will defend myself, and those I love. There is a difference between aggression, and defense.
I have friends in to many places across the world to not worry a little, and hope for their safety day to day. I am going to hug my fiancé a little tighter, talk to the kids a little more, and tell my friends I love them. I am going to listen to more music, and on the whole. I am going to live a little more. I am going to stand up for what I think is right, but I'm not going to jam my truth down anyone else's throat. That's the way it should always be. I live my life, by my choices, and accept the fact that you have made yours. A belief I will continue to hold, everyone's religious views, or lack there of, are theirs, and are no one else's business. As long as you're a good person, and you like me. I'll like you too. I don't tell you all this often. To my friends, and my family I love you.

Walk with me

6:29A.M, nice, sound sleep. 6:30, alarm rings, shattering the peace and quiet, do I hit the snooze? Or do I just get on with it and go jump in the shower? With an exasperated sigh, I get to my feet, and begin my day. Shower, dress, watch the seven a.m news, make my bed, and then leave before seven - thirty. As I head towards the car, I grab what ever I will have for lunch that day. At this point a feeling of dread starts to grow within me. I despise my job, it does not fulfil anything for me, other than providing money. It doesn't satisfy my humanity. It does not fulfil my dreams, or my goals. It is actually soul numbing.

My dreams, and my goals are not fulfilled within the structure of my employment. This job, and others like it are really all that is left. Working in a cubicle, 8 1/2 hours a day. Mind numbing, soul crushing. Apologizing for something you didn't do, call after call after call. The callers really don't want to hear it. They want their problems solved. But the people that made the rules are insistent. It's obvious they've never worked the phones a day in their lives. It would be so much simple to give them an answer to their problem instead of some insincere apology.

I need a job, to take care of my family. It makes following your dreams hard, I'm going to figure out a way to do it. It's going to be hard, but I won't sacrifice care for my family. My family means more to me than I can put into words, and I will not watch them suffer while I selfishly try to achieve something.

I live within a shadow, one created by societies expectations, and another, closer and forced upon myself by my older family. What they think, feel I should be. It runs counter to my dreams, but I feel that is changing slowly. At 31 this should have happened years ago, it would have allowed me to chase and achieve my dream with out their derision. "You'll never make money in music, you need an actual career, not sitting in some studio.." Maybe I wouldn't have the Bentleys, or the 2.5 million dollar mansion. I'd have a house, low to no debt, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay rent when we both work jobs that are paying a poverty level wage. It's time for me to come out of the shadows, and truly, fully be who I am. Do I even know who I am? What will this journey of finding myself do to me? Will I keep my sanity?

Facing the Lion's Challenge.

We are now going into the dark half of the year, the sun is out for a shorter and shorter period of time, the sun rising later, and setting earlier. We are on the shadow road of the cross roads. This, is a time to reflect, and look inside. Examine our wants, needs, and goals. To rid ourselves of the dead weight that has settled upon our shoulders, and the goals that do not any longer fit our lives. Maybe we have to distance ourselves from self destructive habits, and friends that are no longer good for our health and sanity to have. The ones that drag us down in their never ending drama as they spin their wheels making their bad situation worse. Try as they will, by doing the same exact thing. They dig deeper and deeper into the mud. After a certain point, hearing it, seeing it every day it starts to wear on you.

If you have a job that is spiritually painful to do, look at other options. Do not leave the job you have now, till another opportunity arises. As much as it sucks, you need to keep some sort of income, and money coming in to support yourself, and your family.

The dark half of the year, is a great time to work upon yourself. If you have any weight loss goals, plan and do them. Give it all that you have. If you have fitness goals, find things you can do, to enjoy the changing seasons, get out and enjoy the changing of the leaves, and the last scurrying of the animals as they search for food to add to their winter stores. Notice the changes in the world around you. Engage in mental pursuits, work on that story you've been wanting to write, work on the painting, or work on getting back into drawing. You have the notebooks and ideas laying around. It's time to achieve them.

It's time to leave fear behind. I'm going to try to do this. It scares me. It's going to make me feel vulnerable. But I have challenges in front of me, and I am going to take them on. I am going to start a weight loss challenge. I have a year to do it, I have a goal to write a book. I have several projects started. It's time that I finish one. It's time for me to evolve, for my self. For my love, for my spirit. Change is a necessary part of evolution. It's exciting, it's intriguing. It's also Scary as fuck. I've put off, and put off, it's time to DO. There is no tomorrow, only to day.

I am strong, I am wise, I am. I AM DOING THIS.

The beauty of broken things.

I got my dads old acoustic guitar out of the car today, I had left it in there since labor day. I didn't know where I was going to put it. This guitar, is almost 50 years old. It is a sunburst acoustic, there are scratches on the back of it, the binding needs replaced on the neck, and the strings definitely need changed. I love that guitar, it holds memories for me. Dad would play it when I was a little kid sometimes, even if the only song it seemed like he knew was the theme to the old western "Bonanza." He would play, and just seem so relaxed. As he chorded across the neck, you could see the stress and tension of the day or days leaving his spirit, and his body. He would relax, and it would just be him, and the guitar. He felt that I was there, listening, but he wouldn't react. He was in a state of zen, a state of peace.

It was the first guitar that I had, I didn't play it often enough. Dad told me that I needed to learn chords, and then some simple songs. I never did, I would play the notes that sounded best to me, or I would play the few Metallica intros that I had learned from guitar tabs. I used to have it leaning against the dresser, within arms reach of my bed at all hours of the day and night. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I would reach over and grab it, play for a few minutes and go back to sleep.

The guitar is old, broken, worn. Some would argue to replace it, I'm not going to. That's MY guitar, it's my dad's guitar. It's memories, and something of a friend. I appreciate the age, and the imperfections in the guitar.

Some of my best friends have been broken. Survivors of abusive childhoods, adult relationships, mental illness and depression. They all have a value. To help some one through those road blocks, and out of those dark patches, to listen as they tell their story, it creates a bond between you and them. It creates a trust, it creates a friendship, and it creates even more than that. It is healing to have some one to listen to you, when you tell of your darkest fears, things that have happened to you. It is cleansing, when the person on the other couch, across the room, or across the country listens and does not judge. The listener often doesn't realize what they are doing, in the simple act of listening. It is empowering, it gives them a new courage, a new strength. Listening, truly listening shows that some one else out there cares for them. The listener gains from the act as well. Compassion, understanding, tolerance. It adds depth to both.

The Japanese take broken things, and they repair them. The repairs are usually done using Gold, or silver. They say the broken and repaired object has a history, a repaired object, is one that is put back together that can tell it's story. they call it Kintsugi. It literally means "To patch with gold."

My friends, my family have all been repaired. Not with gold in a physical sense of the word, but in ways that are much more important, and valuable, vital to their well being. Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Even if it's in on going process.

Now, to look into eventually fixing my guitar...

Hard Roads, hard choices, And Changes.

The world as we knew it growing up has changed. But then, it does for everyone as they grow up. For us though, it's been a little bit harder. The jobs are gone, the pay has dwindled. The few good jobs that are left, you need a college degree that can cost more than a home in the 1960's and 70's. It's going to require changes. Changes in the economic structure of the country, a change in the banking laws. A home big enough to house a family should not cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. What is expected of us, to just survive is cruel. Working so much that you have no time to spend with your children, no time to spend with your spouse. It's not what should have EVER happened. The banking system is an agent of evil within this world. They've found their way into the education system. A college education today, costs more than a house and two new cars did in the 1970's. A lot of the degrees you get from colleges are not even worth the paper that they have been printed on. Debt is modern day slavery, all races are affected by it, all races are held down.

Individuality has been so neatly destroyed, no one really has their own style or ideas anymore. Thinking outside of the box is discouraged. The big obsession the last several years has been the Zombie Apocalypse. What people fail to realize, is that the Zombie Apocalypse is here. Thinking for yourself has gone out the window. Everyone walks around in a mindless haze, either staring off into space, or staring blankly into their smart phone checking their twitter accounts and facebook feeds. People are so aloof that they do not notice the beauty around them. The beauty in birdsong, and the play of sunlight through the canopy of trees in the distance.

The idea of working together for the local cause has gone away. Replaced by the take mentality. Using resources, and ignoring the suffering of the world around you. No longer should we look only inward. We look inward, and we do not see anything anyway, so even that is pointless. We need to look out, look around us, and see the state of our fellow man, the animals and plants around us. Suffering caused by lack of anything that can be materially provided in a first world country is tragic. It's pointless, it's something that should not be. 1% of the country should not control more than the remaining 99%. Suffering, and strife occurs around us on a daily basis, yet we are blind to it. Are we truly blind, or do we see it, and refuse to see it, to consider what it means? Why are they going through a hard time, can we help them? If we can help them, how do we do just so? How do we become more engaged with our neighbors, our community?

Get involved, talk to the people around you. Establish a bond with other families. Let your kids play together, and truly be kids. Let them explore the world, come up with games that they can play. Let them make believe, let them be a prince or princess and knights, or what ever they with so be even for a little while. Throw community parties, cook outs, bon fires. Anything to build a bond between people around you. Support one another, learn music, and play together. Help them when it is needed, and support them if it's needed. Emotionally, spiritually, and by material means if necessary. Do not tolerate violence, or those that seek to manipulate and abuse the community generosity. They are a threat to the good of the family, the tribe, and the community.

A way to get out of the grasps of the money manipulators is by going smaller in scale, consider those around you, and work with them. Secure what you need, and Live on what you can get. Be aware, be open to change, and new ideas. Consider new sources of energy, green and renewable. Consider growing a lot of your own food if you can. create a community garden for your neighborhood if there is an open space where you can do so. If you have no free space, grow a garden on your patio, using totes, or planters.

Learn to live again, learn to love, learn to laugh. The world will be better for it. Care for our fellow creatures, is what we need to work on developing. No matter our lot in society, we are all people, on this earth at this time. Working our lives away, is not what we are meant to be doing.

Whispers, Reflection.

When you sit quietly, it's amazing the thoughts that you find bubbling up inside of your mind. It can be purely silent. But that is so rare as to be an astounding event. More often you go through the emotions you have experienced in a recent span of time. Some people it could just be the emotions of the day, yet for others it could be for the whole previous month. Memories come back into the mind, and it offers a rare, vital chance to examine them. Why did they make enough of an impact on you to come back? What can I learn from there reappearance?

Sometimes, memories and whispers are very recent memories to come back to you. I was back at my mom and dads over the labor day holiday, and I slept each night on the couch out in the family room. That is where I had my chance to reflect. I love the feeling of home, of calm and peace. It is something that I need to be a vital part of my life. The thing is, I won't be there much at all going forward. I will be where I need to be, and that is in Florida with my Fiancé. That feeling of love, calm, and peace will develop quickly. I think it will fast become one of my greatest feelings in the world.

The feeling won't last at my parents place either. My father is getting sicker, slowly but surely. I cherish the moments and memories that I have been able to create with him over the summer. Just sitting there and watching T.V or talking. None of us are promised tomorrow, but when you have some one in your family or close circle of friends that has a slow acting but terminal illness it puts things into perspective, and makes any and all time spent with them incredibly valuable.

The great thing, is that Mari and I have gotten to spend real quality time with my father. I will live 16 hours away from him. The day that I am that far from him is coming in the near future. It gets nearer and nearer to me by the day. Every memory that came back to me, while I was out in the family room, stretched out on the couch was a happy one. It made me feel warm, and it made me smile, and miss, and want something all at the same time. It was healthy, it was nice, it was what I needed. Those moments of reflection, reminded me of what I'm doing what I am doing for. I want that feeling of love, I want that feeling of family, and I want to create a place where people feel that they belong. Like they are more than just a guest, that they are a friend, and a part of something greater, and closer. Family.

The meandering path

Five years ago if you would have told me that I would be pagan, and into the occult I would have laughed at you, and told you that you were nuts. My best friend really turned me onto that path, and I have found myself while working through the mysteries of nature, and the old gods. I have found where I am at peace, and where I need to work to heal emotionally. I know how to heal others, by listening to their deepest fears, and their hurts, wants and needs. They trust me, and I enjoy that. I value that. I protect their trust. It is sacred. At first I focused on energy development, and energy work. Putting energy into the palms of my hands, and then creating things between them. From that, I worked on sensing  the energy around me. I worked on noticing nature, the cycles and patterns that it forms. The animals coming to life during the spring, The heat of summer, and the animals being active in the morning and evening, and laying low during the height of the day. To the frantic foraging and gathering of the fall. Preparing to hibernate, or fatten up to make it through the long, harsh, cold winters of southern Ohio.
I then turned my attention to examining past lives, I feel that I have had many, some I was very important, and others I was just a worker or craftsmen. Each life had some kind of a nature connection. A fisherman, a farmer, a soldier living off of prey from the hunt between battles. I had some very significant insights into my past lives while talking with people, and others would just kind of come to me. Each one that I have examined has shown and taught me different things. I do not  often "see" or "hear" when I shift my mind into the other world mindset. I usually get impressions and "know." I spent a few years reading and researching everything I could get my hand on. My Library is well over 50 books and growing. I do not work with energy and the other senses as much as I should, and I feel that I need to revisit those practices.
My mindset has changed so much over the years. I am kinder, and gentler than I was. I am more accepting and open to opposing views. I am more open to nature, and personal freedoms. I don't judge others based upon an old dogmatic belief. I treat others as I would want them to treat me. I will not be abused or taken advantage of though, and that will never change. my concept of family has evolved over the years. It has gone from regimented, and traditional to a more tribal, and in some ways modern view.
I have developed a deeper understanding and appreciation of the planet earth. I dislike many of the things that we as a modern society are doing to our home, and I feel that nothing but bad will come from the road we are on. But I still hold out hope. Green technology is starting to take off, and I am glad that it is. The more affordable it becomes for the world to acquire, the better. We are only given one home planet, we had better take care of her. Without her, where are we going to live? My viewpoint has evolved, into more of a hippie world view I like the idea of renewable resources, and green technology. The view of the world as a global tribe.
The path that I am on may seem strange, or crazy. I choose to believe that the things I experience are true and valid. I will not knock some one else for their path. We are all on paths of our own, to a destination that is uniquely our own.

Family and Friends

Over the years how I define friends and family has changed. I have gotten closer to a few of my friends than I am with most of my cousins. And honestly, this to me is not sad. I see or hear from my friends so much more than I do most of my cousins. My friends are the family that I have chosen. They were not picked for my by the hands of fate. My friends have been there through the hardest times of my life. I have also been there for some of their toughest times. We have also laughed and had a lot of fun. There is a deep love, and comradeship between us all. When I met each one of them, there was this instant chemistry, something that went deep into my spirit and theirs.

My closest circle, I have known for at least 15 years. I have added one or two people to it since that time. I have talked to my friends, and have more in common with them than I do other members of my family that are near my age. My friends mean so much more to me than mere friends at this point in my life. We can share our fears with one another, we can talk about our triumphs and our sorrows. And we support one another. They're dependably there. We do pick at each other a lot, but that's to be expected when you have a group of extreme smart asses as friends. We pick each other up, when they're down, and stand beside them when things are going good.

Through hell and high water they have been there for me. They are my family, they are who I feel close to. There are certain members of my blood family that I still have a closeness to. But it's a small number. There are whole branches of my family that I have never met and I do not consider them to be related to me, other than being purely by chance. The fact that they are descended from a common ancestor means little to me.

My friends are my tribe and my inner circle. They have my loyalty, and my support in anything that they chose to do. They are people of spectacular character, great kind hearts, and a keen mind. They live with honor. I respect that in them, and know that they consider me to be part of their families, even if it is just in an extended way. I see my friends more often that I do most of my family. They may have my last name, but not much else. We have next to nothing in common. Opposing beliefs on so many things it would only create friction, and fissures in the fabric that the family is. That doesn't work for me. I like to be able to disagree, and agree to disagree. My friends do that.

My family consists of people that I choose to have in it. Not the people that I am born into the same ancestry, and heritage. Not the ones that I see only once every ten years, or have never seen. Why should they have my loyalty when we do not know one another? They don't have it. I give my love, loyalty and respect to my friends. My first cousins have it, my aunts and uncle have it. My Fiancé and her kids have it, Christina, Julie they have it as well.

Transformative Rebirth.

I have had this blog for four years. The two or three of you that ever looked at it, will notice all of the old blog entries are gone. I am starting a new journey. I am not the same person that I was when I began this woefully neglected and forgotten site all of those years ago. My life and my beliefs have changed drastically. I am much more for personal freedom than I used to be. I'm not going to have to deal with some one's individual consequences. It's their karma to work out and not mine. I have enough issues to be going on with at this moment to worry about anyone else's. It has been a long road, full of ups and downs. The path has meandered through forest, meadow, stream bed and precipice. A few people have been my support system through all of this, and I thank them and love them dearly. The changes are not over yet.

I plan on FINALLY moving within a couple of weeks. I can not wait for the changes that will bring into my life. I will finally be able to move towards my more authentic self without family pressures and expectations. I have had many revelations about myself the last few months. My ideals, and wants have changed a little bit. I'm at the point where I can honestly say that I am tired of the rat race. The needing the newest, the best. The shiniest. It's all poison. Poison in our foods, our drinks, and poison being poured into our very minds. I want out of it, to the best extent that I can. It's a recipe for self destruction. And it infuriates and saddens me.

My spiritual path has changed, in dynamic ways. It's been a long strange trip but I have enjoyed every second of it. It's been fun, enlightening and educational. I have realized that I have a call to be a councilor. I want to eventually become a priest and be able to serve the community at the religious and spiritual fringes. To truly listen to some one is among the greatest gifts that you can give them.

The love of music remains, but I don't know what I am going to do in that realm. There is something there, but what it is at this time I do not know. I still deeply enjoy listening to it, and wish to be involved some how. Maybe an online radio station will be how it will manifest.

I hope to write in this blog regularly, and hopefully something will grow out of this. I plan to hopefully document my journey, and my transformation as my life changes, and transforms. There is a new day coming, and I hope that I am the best person I can be.