More people than you know are drowning. There is no visible water, and everything appears to be fine. You look at some one, and you may never know that inside they are screaming, and throwing things, curled into a ball and rocking back and forth. They may be in public, but they want to be anywhere but. They may have spotlights and camera's upon them or they may be in the person in the cubicle next to you at work. That person may even be you.
I'm writing this to tell you that you are not alone, and that I know the water is dark, and deep and cold. I've been there. I've done that. I'm in it now. I have depression. I have dealt with it since at least my teen years. Sometimes it's bad, so bad that I don't want to get out of bed. I lay there with the radio on staring at the ceiling and not seeing anything. I'm there in just a daze, letting minutes, and hours, and life slip by. I have lost a lot of time like this. But I fight through because I know there is better out there. I know that I can eventually smile and mean it, and my laughter will be genuine. I believe that there will be days where all is right with the world.
The United States, and the rest of western civilization needs to make a change with how we view mental illness. There shouldn't be the stigma of oh poor Jane, those kids of hers caused her to lose it. Or poor Joe, he was never right, and I could see this coming. We should make it an effort to support those that are mentally ill. Support and encourage those that are going and seeking some kind of help. There are options out there. It's time to use them. It's also time to help people connect to those resources if there is a need. Don't brush it off with the "Oh, they do this every few months. It's just Lisa being Lisa." Lisa needs help, assist her in getting that help and she may be back to the Lisa you know and love.
When you feel alone, you are not. There is always some one out there that will listen to you, if you want to speak, or some one who will bring you popcorn, and will watch movies with you in otherwise silence, some one who will bring you a book. I have friends, I have family that will do that for me. I know that you may truly be alone somewhere and that makes things scarier, and harder to do. I understand that, but even at that point there are organizations and groups out there that will help you.
I know the world can seem black, and hopeless, and the only way out seems to be suicide. It's not the only way. You have so much light to shine in this world, so much to live for, even if you do not see it at those darkest of moments. There are people out there who love you, and care for you. Your light is just as bright as anyone else.
The dark is never so bad that a little light can not get in and be appreciated. There's a chink of sunlight coming through the window, and It's going to be a good day.
Here are some links, and numbers that may be able to help if they are ever needed.
National institute of mental health https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
Suicide prevention https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide prevention phone number. 1-800-273-8255
Veterans Crisis line website: Activeheroes.org
Veterans crisis line website. https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Narrowing down of ideas.
Work has been slow lately, which means I have had a bit more time at home. Which is both good and bad. It's also been unseasonably hot here, 97, 98, and 96 degree days this week along with the other four days being in the low to mid 90's. The good thing is that we have gotten some rain. Much needed, and appreciated. The rain has been much appreciated as well by people that don't really like it so hot. (Me..) I'm not used to this even after being here a year and a half.
One thing that heat does in other ways is facilitate movement, action, change. My fiancé and I are finally back to planning our wedding after several set backs. This time, it feels right. I have been able to think about what I want to do, and how am I going to get there. It's allowed me to think about other things as well. I have realized that some of my extravagant hopes and dreams need to be tempered and broken up into pieces. I had this idea with a friend of mine, of setting up a small homesteading or self sufficient community of people with similar beliefs or what was probably going to end up being a group of friends living on a farm out in the middle of no where growing their own food, and killing their own meat as well as living as much as would be possible off of the grid.
I had this grandiose idea that we would need a few hundred, if not a thousand acres to "Do it right." I have came to realize that maybe we need to scale it back. 15 acres instead of 1,500. or maybe even less than 15. Buying 15 acres of land some where is much more achievable than finding 1,500 in just the right location, that would be able to check all of the boxes that I would love to have in a piece of land.
This is a case of possibly getting more done with smaller steps than by making giant strides. The smaller steps leave you, surely on more secure footing. You don't risk out stepping your ground and falling off of a cliff. Planning, and Saving, and research are going to be needed to achieve this idea. It's not as grand as owning everything as far as the eye could see, but it's a definite beginning if I can start from that point. Any beginning is better than none. I have work to do with the land and the spirits of the land. Much we can do together. A revolution is coming in many ways, and by being closer with the earth I think that the wave can be ridden out, to the show. We are in a transition and it could damn well be bloody both literally and metaphorically.
The heat sears, the heat makes you examine your psyche, and your ideas. It helps you condense and purify them. It helps you focus, so that you know where it is you are going. I need now to begin researching small farms, and issues, and ideas relating to them. I also need to learn how to better budget both my time and my finances. At what dollar amount is doing this job or that job worth it. What salary will allow me to support my family, and my farm. Is there anything we could start right now on the homestead to begin making money?
There is a lot to cut through, and organize. But it's a start. And after being 95 today it's raining. I'm going to go relax.
One thing that heat does in other ways is facilitate movement, action, change. My fiancé and I are finally back to planning our wedding after several set backs. This time, it feels right. I have been able to think about what I want to do, and how am I going to get there. It's allowed me to think about other things as well. I have realized that some of my extravagant hopes and dreams need to be tempered and broken up into pieces. I had this idea with a friend of mine, of setting up a small homesteading or self sufficient community of people with similar beliefs or what was probably going to end up being a group of friends living on a farm out in the middle of no where growing their own food, and killing their own meat as well as living as much as would be possible off of the grid.
I had this grandiose idea that we would need a few hundred, if not a thousand acres to "Do it right." I have came to realize that maybe we need to scale it back. 15 acres instead of 1,500. or maybe even less than 15. Buying 15 acres of land some where is much more achievable than finding 1,500 in just the right location, that would be able to check all of the boxes that I would love to have in a piece of land.
This is a case of possibly getting more done with smaller steps than by making giant strides. The smaller steps leave you, surely on more secure footing. You don't risk out stepping your ground and falling off of a cliff. Planning, and Saving, and research are going to be needed to achieve this idea. It's not as grand as owning everything as far as the eye could see, but it's a definite beginning if I can start from that point. Any beginning is better than none. I have work to do with the land and the spirits of the land. Much we can do together. A revolution is coming in many ways, and by being closer with the earth I think that the wave can be ridden out, to the show. We are in a transition and it could damn well be bloody both literally and metaphorically.
The heat sears, the heat makes you examine your psyche, and your ideas. It helps you condense and purify them. It helps you focus, so that you know where it is you are going. I need now to begin researching small farms, and issues, and ideas relating to them. I also need to learn how to better budget both my time and my finances. At what dollar amount is doing this job or that job worth it. What salary will allow me to support my family, and my farm. Is there anything we could start right now on the homestead to begin making money?
There is a lot to cut through, and organize. But it's a start. And after being 95 today it's raining. I'm going to go relax.
Monday, May 15, 2017
The Onward March of Time.
Light flashes across the sky, and a sound of thunder follows, rumbling through the forest, the reverberations shaking the forest floor, and the trees. The animals look up, and in some instances hide. The scent of rain is in the air. The feeling of revolution, and change permeates the air, the earth. The feeling goes into the core of nature itself. We are given a finite amount of time to live our current lives. We waste so much of it, working for others, an making them richer. They no longer feel the need to share the hundreds of millions or billions of dollars they make a year with their rank and file. It's all about the board and the share holders. They need another Yacht, and a vacation home on the west side of Hawai'i to match their one on the east.
We as human beings are meant to be so much more than poor wage slaves, to an out of touch billionaire that never remembers their employee, the reason they make so much money, the reason their companies can get so big. They build them on our backs and just throw us away. I'm looking for a way out of the rat race. I am looking for that crack in the door, to bust through it. I'm meant for so much more than answering a phone all day.
Time does not wait for anybody, if we don't notice, life will pass us by. I'm looking at possibly furthering my education, and getting a certification or two that in the end might allow me to work from home. I hope that it will, and it will make things so much easier to handle.
And in the end, I leave you with an amazing song...
Wake before the sun, sit in the car cursing at everyone. Walk to your cube, stare ahead at the screen, looking at words and numbers that don't mean anything. Working for scratch, unable to get ahead. Keep doing this, till your old, feeble and dead. Longing for more, looking out at the light. Why do we sit here, when there sun, and the wind in which to delight? Why do we sit here, making them rich, while we twist and turn trying to make the money meet at the ends?
We as human beings are meant to be so much more than poor wage slaves, to an out of touch billionaire that never remembers their employee, the reason they make so much money, the reason their companies can get so big. They build them on our backs and just throw us away. I'm looking for a way out of the rat race. I am looking for that crack in the door, to bust through it. I'm meant for so much more than answering a phone all day.
Time does not wait for anybody, if we don't notice, life will pass us by. I'm looking at possibly furthering my education, and getting a certification or two that in the end might allow me to work from home. I hope that it will, and it will make things so much easier to handle.
And in the end, I leave you with an amazing song...
Wake before the sun, sit in the car cursing at everyone. Walk to your cube, stare ahead at the screen, looking at words and numbers that don't mean anything. Working for scratch, unable to get ahead. Keep doing this, till your old, feeble and dead. Longing for more, looking out at the light. Why do we sit here, when there sun, and the wind in which to delight? Why do we sit here, making them rich, while we twist and turn trying to make the money meet at the ends?
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