6:29A.M, nice, sound sleep. 6:30, alarm rings, shattering the peace and quiet, do I hit the snooze? Or do I just get on with it and go jump in the shower? With an exasperated sigh, I get to my feet, and begin my day. Shower, dress, watch the seven a.m news, make my bed, and then leave before seven - thirty. As I head towards the car, I grab what ever I will have for lunch that day. At this point a feeling of dread starts to grow within me. I despise my job, it does not fulfil anything for me, other than providing money. It doesn't satisfy my humanity. It does not fulfil my dreams, or my goals. It is actually soul numbing.
My dreams, and my goals are not fulfilled within the structure of my employment. This job, and others like it are really all that is left. Working in a cubicle, 8 1/2 hours a day. Mind numbing, soul crushing. Apologizing for something you didn't do, call after call after call. The callers really don't want to hear it. They want their problems solved. But the people that made the rules are insistent. It's obvious they've never worked the phones a day in their lives. It would be so much simple to give them an answer to their problem instead of some insincere apology.
I need a job, to take care of my family. It makes following your dreams hard, I'm going to figure out a way to do it. It's going to be hard, but I won't sacrifice care for my family. My family means more to me than I can put into words, and I will not watch them suffer while I selfishly try to achieve something.
I live within a shadow, one created by societies expectations, and another, closer and forced upon myself by my older family. What they think, feel I should be. It runs counter to my dreams, but I feel that is changing slowly. At 31 this should have happened years ago, it would have allowed me to chase and achieve my dream with out their derision. "You'll never make money in music, you need an actual career, not sitting in some studio.." Maybe I wouldn't have the Bentleys, or the 2.5 million dollar mansion. I'd have a house, low to no debt, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay rent when we both work jobs that are paying a poverty level wage. It's time for me to come out of the shadows, and truly, fully be who I am. Do I even know who I am? What will this journey of finding myself do to me? Will I keep my sanity?
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