Walk with me

6:29A.M, nice, sound sleep. 6:30, alarm rings, shattering the peace and quiet, do I hit the snooze? Or do I just get on with it and go jump in the shower? With an exasperated sigh, I get to my feet, and begin my day. Shower, dress, watch the seven a.m news, make my bed, and then leave before seven - thirty. As I head towards the car, I grab what ever I will have for lunch that day. At this point a feeling of dread starts to grow within me. I despise my job, it does not fulfil anything for me, other than providing money. It doesn't satisfy my humanity. It does not fulfil my dreams, or my goals. It is actually soul numbing.

My dreams, and my goals are not fulfilled within the structure of my employment. This job, and others like it are really all that is left. Working in a cubicle, 8 1/2 hours a day. Mind numbing, soul crushing. Apologizing for something you didn't do, call after call after call. The callers really don't want to hear it. They want their problems solved. But the people that made the rules are insistent. It's obvious they've never worked the phones a day in their lives. It would be so much simple to give them an answer to their problem instead of some insincere apology.

I need a job, to take care of my family. It makes following your dreams hard, I'm going to figure out a way to do it. It's going to be hard, but I won't sacrifice care for my family. My family means more to me than I can put into words, and I will not watch them suffer while I selfishly try to achieve something.

I live within a shadow, one created by societies expectations, and another, closer and forced upon myself by my older family. What they think, feel I should be. It runs counter to my dreams, but I feel that is changing slowly. At 31 this should have happened years ago, it would have allowed me to chase and achieve my dream with out their derision. "You'll never make money in music, you need an actual career, not sitting in some studio.." Maybe I wouldn't have the Bentleys, or the 2.5 million dollar mansion. I'd have a house, low to no debt, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay rent when we both work jobs that are paying a poverty level wage. It's time for me to come out of the shadows, and truly, fully be who I am. Do I even know who I am? What will this journey of finding myself do to me? Will I keep my sanity?

Facing the Lion's Challenge.

We are now going into the dark half of the year, the sun is out for a shorter and shorter period of time, the sun rising later, and setting earlier. We are on the shadow road of the cross roads. This, is a time to reflect, and look inside. Examine our wants, needs, and goals. To rid ourselves of the dead weight that has settled upon our shoulders, and the goals that do not any longer fit our lives. Maybe we have to distance ourselves from self destructive habits, and friends that are no longer good for our health and sanity to have. The ones that drag us down in their never ending drama as they spin their wheels making their bad situation worse. Try as they will, by doing the same exact thing. They dig deeper and deeper into the mud. After a certain point, hearing it, seeing it every day it starts to wear on you.

If you have a job that is spiritually painful to do, look at other options. Do not leave the job you have now, till another opportunity arises. As much as it sucks, you need to keep some sort of income, and money coming in to support yourself, and your family.

The dark half of the year, is a great time to work upon yourself. If you have any weight loss goals, plan and do them. Give it all that you have. If you have fitness goals, find things you can do, to enjoy the changing seasons, get out and enjoy the changing of the leaves, and the last scurrying of the animals as they search for food to add to their winter stores. Notice the changes in the world around you. Engage in mental pursuits, work on that story you've been wanting to write, work on the painting, or work on getting back into drawing. You have the notebooks and ideas laying around. It's time to achieve them.

It's time to leave fear behind. I'm going to try to do this. It scares me. It's going to make me feel vulnerable. But I have challenges in front of me, and I am going to take them on. I am going to start a weight loss challenge. I have a year to do it, I have a goal to write a book. I have several projects started. It's time that I finish one. It's time for me to evolve, for my self. For my love, for my spirit. Change is a necessary part of evolution. It's exciting, it's intriguing. It's also Scary as fuck. I've put off, and put off, it's time to DO. There is no tomorrow, only to day.

I am strong, I am wise, I am. I AM DOING THIS.