More people than you know are drowning. There is no visible water, and everything appears to be fine. You look at some one, and you may never know that inside they are screaming, and throwing things, curled into a ball and rocking back and forth. They may be in public, but they want to be anywhere but. They may have spotlights and camera's upon them or they may be in the person in the cubicle next to you at work. That person may even be you.
I'm writing this to tell you that you are not alone, and that I know the water is dark, and deep and cold. I've been there. I've done that. I'm in it now. I have depression. I have dealt with it since at least my teen years. Sometimes it's bad, so bad that I don't want to get out of bed. I lay there with the radio on staring at the ceiling and not seeing anything. I'm there in just a daze, letting minutes, and hours, and life slip by. I have lost a lot of time like this. But I fight through because I know there is better out there. I know that I can eventually smile and mean it, and my laughter will be genuine. I believe that there will be days where all is right with the world.
The United States, and the rest of western civilization needs to make a change with how we view mental illness. There shouldn't be the stigma of oh poor Jane, those kids of hers caused her to lose it. Or poor Joe, he was never right, and I could see this coming. We should make it an effort to support those that are mentally ill. Support and encourage those that are going and seeking some kind of help. There are options out there. It's time to use them. It's also time to help people connect to those resources if there is a need. Don't brush it off with the "Oh, they do this every few months. It's just Lisa being Lisa." Lisa needs help, assist her in getting that help and she may be back to the Lisa you know and love.
When you feel alone, you are not. There is always some one out there that will listen to you, if you want to speak, or some one who will bring you popcorn, and will watch movies with you in otherwise silence, some one who will bring you a book. I have friends, I have family that will do that for me. I know that you may truly be alone somewhere and that makes things scarier, and harder to do. I understand that, but even at that point there are organizations and groups out there that will help you.
I know the world can seem black, and hopeless, and the only way out seems to be suicide. It's not the only way. You have so much light to shine in this world, so much to live for, even if you do not see it at those darkest of moments. There are people out there who love you, and care for you. Your light is just as bright as anyone else.
The dark is never so bad that a little light can not get in and be appreciated. There's a chink of sunlight coming through the window, and It's going to be a good day.
Here are some links, and numbers that may be able to help if they are ever needed.
National institute of mental health https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
Suicide prevention https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide prevention phone number. 1-800-273-8255
Veterans Crisis line website: Activeheroes.org
Veterans crisis line website. https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Narrowing down of ideas.
Work has been slow lately, which means I have had a bit more time at home. Which is both good and bad. It's also been unseasonably hot here, 97, 98, and 96 degree days this week along with the other four days being in the low to mid 90's. The good thing is that we have gotten some rain. Much needed, and appreciated. The rain has been much appreciated as well by people that don't really like it so hot. (Me..) I'm not used to this even after being here a year and a half.
One thing that heat does in other ways is facilitate movement, action, change. My fiancé and I are finally back to planning our wedding after several set backs. This time, it feels right. I have been able to think about what I want to do, and how am I going to get there. It's allowed me to think about other things as well. I have realized that some of my extravagant hopes and dreams need to be tempered and broken up into pieces. I had this idea with a friend of mine, of setting up a small homesteading or self sufficient community of people with similar beliefs or what was probably going to end up being a group of friends living on a farm out in the middle of no where growing their own food, and killing their own meat as well as living as much as would be possible off of the grid.
I had this grandiose idea that we would need a few hundred, if not a thousand acres to "Do it right." I have came to realize that maybe we need to scale it back. 15 acres instead of 1,500. or maybe even less than 15. Buying 15 acres of land some where is much more achievable than finding 1,500 in just the right location, that would be able to check all of the boxes that I would love to have in a piece of land.
This is a case of possibly getting more done with smaller steps than by making giant strides. The smaller steps leave you, surely on more secure footing. You don't risk out stepping your ground and falling off of a cliff. Planning, and Saving, and research are going to be needed to achieve this idea. It's not as grand as owning everything as far as the eye could see, but it's a definite beginning if I can start from that point. Any beginning is better than none. I have work to do with the land and the spirits of the land. Much we can do together. A revolution is coming in many ways, and by being closer with the earth I think that the wave can be ridden out, to the show. We are in a transition and it could damn well be bloody both literally and metaphorically.
The heat sears, the heat makes you examine your psyche, and your ideas. It helps you condense and purify them. It helps you focus, so that you know where it is you are going. I need now to begin researching small farms, and issues, and ideas relating to them. I also need to learn how to better budget both my time and my finances. At what dollar amount is doing this job or that job worth it. What salary will allow me to support my family, and my farm. Is there anything we could start right now on the homestead to begin making money?
There is a lot to cut through, and organize. But it's a start. And after being 95 today it's raining. I'm going to go relax.
One thing that heat does in other ways is facilitate movement, action, change. My fiancé and I are finally back to planning our wedding after several set backs. This time, it feels right. I have been able to think about what I want to do, and how am I going to get there. It's allowed me to think about other things as well. I have realized that some of my extravagant hopes and dreams need to be tempered and broken up into pieces. I had this idea with a friend of mine, of setting up a small homesteading or self sufficient community of people with similar beliefs or what was probably going to end up being a group of friends living on a farm out in the middle of no where growing their own food, and killing their own meat as well as living as much as would be possible off of the grid.
I had this grandiose idea that we would need a few hundred, if not a thousand acres to "Do it right." I have came to realize that maybe we need to scale it back. 15 acres instead of 1,500. or maybe even less than 15. Buying 15 acres of land some where is much more achievable than finding 1,500 in just the right location, that would be able to check all of the boxes that I would love to have in a piece of land.
This is a case of possibly getting more done with smaller steps than by making giant strides. The smaller steps leave you, surely on more secure footing. You don't risk out stepping your ground and falling off of a cliff. Planning, and Saving, and research are going to be needed to achieve this idea. It's not as grand as owning everything as far as the eye could see, but it's a definite beginning if I can start from that point. Any beginning is better than none. I have work to do with the land and the spirits of the land. Much we can do together. A revolution is coming in many ways, and by being closer with the earth I think that the wave can be ridden out, to the show. We are in a transition and it could damn well be bloody both literally and metaphorically.
The heat sears, the heat makes you examine your psyche, and your ideas. It helps you condense and purify them. It helps you focus, so that you know where it is you are going. I need now to begin researching small farms, and issues, and ideas relating to them. I also need to learn how to better budget both my time and my finances. At what dollar amount is doing this job or that job worth it. What salary will allow me to support my family, and my farm. Is there anything we could start right now on the homestead to begin making money?
There is a lot to cut through, and organize. But it's a start. And after being 95 today it's raining. I'm going to go relax.
Monday, May 15, 2017
The Onward March of Time.
Light flashes across the sky, and a sound of thunder follows, rumbling through the forest, the reverberations shaking the forest floor, and the trees. The animals look up, and in some instances hide. The scent of rain is in the air. The feeling of revolution, and change permeates the air, the earth. The feeling goes into the core of nature itself. We are given a finite amount of time to live our current lives. We waste so much of it, working for others, an making them richer. They no longer feel the need to share the hundreds of millions or billions of dollars they make a year with their rank and file. It's all about the board and the share holders. They need another Yacht, and a vacation home on the west side of Hawai'i to match their one on the east.
We as human beings are meant to be so much more than poor wage slaves, to an out of touch billionaire that never remembers their employee, the reason they make so much money, the reason their companies can get so big. They build them on our backs and just throw us away. I'm looking for a way out of the rat race. I am looking for that crack in the door, to bust through it. I'm meant for so much more than answering a phone all day.
Time does not wait for anybody, if we don't notice, life will pass us by. I'm looking at possibly furthering my education, and getting a certification or two that in the end might allow me to work from home. I hope that it will, and it will make things so much easier to handle.
And in the end, I leave you with an amazing song...
Wake before the sun, sit in the car cursing at everyone. Walk to your cube, stare ahead at the screen, looking at words and numbers that don't mean anything. Working for scratch, unable to get ahead. Keep doing this, till your old, feeble and dead. Longing for more, looking out at the light. Why do we sit here, when there sun, and the wind in which to delight? Why do we sit here, making them rich, while we twist and turn trying to make the money meet at the ends?
We as human beings are meant to be so much more than poor wage slaves, to an out of touch billionaire that never remembers their employee, the reason they make so much money, the reason their companies can get so big. They build them on our backs and just throw us away. I'm looking for a way out of the rat race. I am looking for that crack in the door, to bust through it. I'm meant for so much more than answering a phone all day.
Time does not wait for anybody, if we don't notice, life will pass us by. I'm looking at possibly furthering my education, and getting a certification or two that in the end might allow me to work from home. I hope that it will, and it will make things so much easier to handle.
And in the end, I leave you with an amazing song...
Wake before the sun, sit in the car cursing at everyone. Walk to your cube, stare ahead at the screen, looking at words and numbers that don't mean anything. Working for scratch, unable to get ahead. Keep doing this, till your old, feeble and dead. Longing for more, looking out at the light. Why do we sit here, when there sun, and the wind in which to delight? Why do we sit here, making them rich, while we twist and turn trying to make the money meet at the ends?
Saturday, December 10, 2016
2016 in the rear view.
Hello world, I'm still here though it's been a long time. A lot of life has happened in that span of time. A lot of head aches, and what the hell moments. But a lot of other moments that make everything worth it, and more than worth it. To hear a child tell you that they love you for the first time, when you are not their father but are going to marry their mother, that's a big deal. It creates a giddy, light, happy feeling in the soul. It's lightening like. I've seen the kids grow, and mature.
2016 is quite possibly going to go down as the year from hell. So many greats have died, so many societal and political changes have happened. The united stats has elected a bigot, and a liar as president. His whole campaign was one of fear, and inciting racism, sexism, and xenophobia. The fearful and the gullible ate it up. This election is going to mark the final nail into the coffin of the American dream. Donald Trump is not what we needed as a country, or the world. We needed some one that would realize that global warming is happening, and that it is wreaking havoc. We needed to chose a leader that would support green initiatives, renewable energy. Not the same old same old. Economically, anyone that is not a white collar worker is going to suffer during his presidency. He chose billionaires for his cabinet. They don't care about the worker. Congress will probably pass most anything that Donald Trump will propose. Socially, this election threw us back at least 30 years. Women's rights, LGBTQ rights are under threat, pretty much anything that the evangelical right don't approve of, is in danger. Religious and Social freedoms could be in danger, this is something that we can not have happen.
The Smokey Mountains were on fire, in December of all months, where they should be worrying about snow fall. It was dry, it was warm and two boys set a fire that killed several, and destroyed many homes and businesses. It turned lives upside down through out the region. Appalachia is a poor area, in fact it might be the poorest area in the United states. It is an area that is often ignored, and made fun of. The whole Appalachian mountain chain, including the Great Smokey Mountains is the forgotten land. Some of the most beautiful scenery is in this region of the country. So many trees burned, iconic sights in the mountains are not there anymore. Ash, and burned timbers might be all that is left. It's a tragedy and a major loss. A way of life was endangered by that fire. I hope that the Smokey Mountain people retain their charm, and their kind nature. I hope that they rebuild, and rebuild in a better way. One that will move the region forward.
2016 is quite possibly going to go down as the year from hell. So many greats have died, so many societal and political changes have happened. The united stats has elected a bigot, and a liar as president. His whole campaign was one of fear, and inciting racism, sexism, and xenophobia. The fearful and the gullible ate it up. This election is going to mark the final nail into the coffin of the American dream. Donald Trump is not what we needed as a country, or the world. We needed some one that would realize that global warming is happening, and that it is wreaking havoc. We needed to chose a leader that would support green initiatives, renewable energy. Not the same old same old. Economically, anyone that is not a white collar worker is going to suffer during his presidency. He chose billionaires for his cabinet. They don't care about the worker. Congress will probably pass most anything that Donald Trump will propose. Socially, this election threw us back at least 30 years. Women's rights, LGBTQ rights are under threat, pretty much anything that the evangelical right don't approve of, is in danger. Religious and Social freedoms could be in danger, this is something that we can not have happen.
The Smokey Mountains were on fire, in December of all months, where they should be worrying about snow fall. It was dry, it was warm and two boys set a fire that killed several, and destroyed many homes and businesses. It turned lives upside down through out the region. Appalachia is a poor area, in fact it might be the poorest area in the United states. It is an area that is often ignored, and made fun of. The whole Appalachian mountain chain, including the Great Smokey Mountains is the forgotten land. Some of the most beautiful scenery is in this region of the country. So many trees burned, iconic sights in the mountains are not there anymore. Ash, and burned timbers might be all that is left. It's a tragedy and a major loss. A way of life was endangered by that fire. I hope that the Smokey Mountain people retain their charm, and their kind nature. I hope that they rebuild, and rebuild in a better way. One that will move the region forward.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Personal Evolution
Childhood home, the tobacco fields and forests of Ohio. My introduction to the mysteries of life. Family, friendship, love, and loss, and death. My memories start in this state. Until the age of 11 I lived in a trailer park in the town of Batavia. A lot of houses close together, a lot of guide less teenagers doing stupid things. My dad was on the fire department, and we camped a lot. My childhood a lot of time was spent climbing in and around the fire trucks at the old 32 fire station. We rode in a lot of parades, and spent time with the other kids of the fire fighters. We would camp several times a year with them, enjoying the trails and the night time fires with them. They are part of an extended family. I think of one man in particular as an uncle.
We move a half hour east, and it might as well have been a completely different world. Farmers fields all around us. Cattle in a pasture near by. Different scents, different sounds. Peaceful nights. You could see the starts. The STARS!!!! I grew up in an area where the nights sky was drowned out by the industrial lighting from the street lights, and the ford plant down the street. Nature was all around us in Sardinia, Deer out in the fields, birds in the trees and in the air. I met new people that were a whole different type. It was more laid back there, even if they were into drugs, starting with pot, and slowly going heavier before they got out. Or we lost contact.
I moved to Kentucky for work, and I lived down there for a year. I worked with some great people. It was a mostly good experience. I lost my Papaw in March of 2015. He had a hard fight with leukemia, and it was sad to watch his sudden decline.
I worked a lot and I spent a lot of time with my papaw. I made a few friends at work, but beyond that not much happened.
I got a transfer to Tampa, and in a lot of ways, this is where my life begins again. I don't have any family members near me, and I do not have their expectations of me hanging over my shoulder anymore. I get to explore, and really figure out who I want to be. I am living with my fiancé. We are preparing for our wedding, and getting our own place together. She has two daughters, and I really enjoy their presence, and would do anything for them. My spiritual path is still changing and evolving, I am trying new things, and trying to peace together thoughts and ideas. I dislike the job that I have, it is still soul numbing. I am looking for something new, and something much, much closer to home. My personal evolution is underway, and I am now on the journey with my soul mate. Where we end up, we have no idea, but our journey is going to be amazing. I'm looking forward to each step along the way.
We move a half hour east, and it might as well have been a completely different world. Farmers fields all around us. Cattle in a pasture near by. Different scents, different sounds. Peaceful nights. You could see the starts. The STARS!!!! I grew up in an area where the nights sky was drowned out by the industrial lighting from the street lights, and the ford plant down the street. Nature was all around us in Sardinia, Deer out in the fields, birds in the trees and in the air. I met new people that were a whole different type. It was more laid back there, even if they were into drugs, starting with pot, and slowly going heavier before they got out. Or we lost contact.
I moved to Kentucky for work, and I lived down there for a year. I worked with some great people. It was a mostly good experience. I lost my Papaw in March of 2015. He had a hard fight with leukemia, and it was sad to watch his sudden decline.
I worked a lot and I spent a lot of time with my papaw. I made a few friends at work, but beyond that not much happened.
I got a transfer to Tampa, and in a lot of ways, this is where my life begins again. I don't have any family members near me, and I do not have their expectations of me hanging over my shoulder anymore. I get to explore, and really figure out who I want to be. I am living with my fiancé. We are preparing for our wedding, and getting our own place together. She has two daughters, and I really enjoy their presence, and would do anything for them. My spiritual path is still changing and evolving, I am trying new things, and trying to peace together thoughts and ideas. I dislike the job that I have, it is still soul numbing. I am looking for something new, and something much, much closer to home. My personal evolution is underway, and I am now on the journey with my soul mate. Where we end up, we have no idea, but our journey is going to be amazing. I'm looking forward to each step along the way.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Rains of Paris.
With all of the things that went down on 11/13 we have a choice to make. Each and every one of us. Actually choices. Do we cower in fear, jumping at shadows and the sounds of rain? Or do we see what the evil of extremism creates? Do we choose to look at ourselves, and see the impact that our actions have on each other? Do we see that we, at the individual level can change the world? We need to see what we do, see how it affects people. We have more things in common, than we have differences.
Religion, is a large part of the problem. The followers of Islam, and Christianity, have been at each others throats for the last 1,000 years. It's time to put that aside. It's time to get over yourselves. It's time to be the religions of PEACE AND LOVE that you SAY YOU ARE. The extremists on each side, need to be shunned loudly, publicly, and with your full being. Both religions are part of the same family. The Abrahamic religions, founded by his descendants. The Bible, and the Quran hold much of the same information. Both religions preach peace, love, and understanding. To both, Jerusalem is a holy city. Both, claim to preach peace and love, it's time to show it.
We need more peace, love, and understanding in this world. Paris, was the result of a severe lack of these things on a major scale. It was the result of extremism. Extremism is the modern day plague, it IS a mental illness, and if there is a way to treat it, it needs treated. I am choosing to keep living my life, yes I may be more aware of things, and how those actions may affect those around me. I will defend myself, and those I love. There is a difference between aggression, and defense.
I have friends in to many places across the world to not worry a little, and hope for their safety day to day. I am going to hug my fiancé a little tighter, talk to the kids a little more, and tell my friends I love them. I am going to listen to more music, and on the whole. I am going to live a little more. I am going to stand up for what I think is right, but I'm not going to jam my truth down anyone else's throat. That's the way it should always be. I live my life, by my choices, and accept the fact that you have made yours. A belief I will continue to hold, everyone's religious views, or lack there of, are theirs, and are no one else's business. As long as you're a good person, and you like me. I'll like you too. I don't tell you all this often. To my friends, and my family I love you.
Religion, is a large part of the problem. The followers of Islam, and Christianity, have been at each others throats for the last 1,000 years. It's time to put that aside. It's time to get over yourselves. It's time to be the religions of PEACE AND LOVE that you SAY YOU ARE. The extremists on each side, need to be shunned loudly, publicly, and with your full being. Both religions are part of the same family. The Abrahamic religions, founded by his descendants. The Bible, and the Quran hold much of the same information. Both religions preach peace, love, and understanding. To both, Jerusalem is a holy city. Both, claim to preach peace and love, it's time to show it.
We need more peace, love, and understanding in this world. Paris, was the result of a severe lack of these things on a major scale. It was the result of extremism. Extremism is the modern day plague, it IS a mental illness, and if there is a way to treat it, it needs treated. I am choosing to keep living my life, yes I may be more aware of things, and how those actions may affect those around me. I will defend myself, and those I love. There is a difference between aggression, and defense.
I have friends in to many places across the world to not worry a little, and hope for their safety day to day. I am going to hug my fiancé a little tighter, talk to the kids a little more, and tell my friends I love them. I am going to listen to more music, and on the whole. I am going to live a little more. I am going to stand up for what I think is right, but I'm not going to jam my truth down anyone else's throat. That's the way it should always be. I live my life, by my choices, and accept the fact that you have made yours. A belief I will continue to hold, everyone's religious views, or lack there of, are theirs, and are no one else's business. As long as you're a good person, and you like me. I'll like you too. I don't tell you all this often. To my friends, and my family I love you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Walk with me
6:29A.M, nice, sound sleep. 6:30, alarm rings, shattering the peace and quiet, do I hit the snooze? Or do I just get on with it and go jump in the shower? With an exasperated sigh, I get to my feet, and begin my day. Shower, dress, watch the seven a.m news, make my bed, and then leave before seven - thirty. As I head towards the car, I grab what ever I will have for lunch that day. At this point a feeling of dread starts to grow within me. I despise my job, it does not fulfil anything for me, other than providing money. It doesn't satisfy my humanity. It does not fulfil my dreams, or my goals. It is actually soul numbing.
My dreams, and my goals are not fulfilled within the structure of my employment. This job, and others like it are really all that is left. Working in a cubicle, 8 1/2 hours a day. Mind numbing, soul crushing. Apologizing for something you didn't do, call after call after call. The callers really don't want to hear it. They want their problems solved. But the people that made the rules are insistent. It's obvious they've never worked the phones a day in their lives. It would be so much simple to give them an answer to their problem instead of some insincere apology.
I need a job, to take care of my family. It makes following your dreams hard, I'm going to figure out a way to do it. It's going to be hard, but I won't sacrifice care for my family. My family means more to me than I can put into words, and I will not watch them suffer while I selfishly try to achieve something.
I live within a shadow, one created by societies expectations, and another, closer and forced upon myself by my older family. What they think, feel I should be. It runs counter to my dreams, but I feel that is changing slowly. At 31 this should have happened years ago, it would have allowed me to chase and achieve my dream with out their derision. "You'll never make money in music, you need an actual career, not sitting in some studio.." Maybe I wouldn't have the Bentleys, or the 2.5 million dollar mansion. I'd have a house, low to no debt, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay rent when we both work jobs that are paying a poverty level wage. It's time for me to come out of the shadows, and truly, fully be who I am. Do I even know who I am? What will this journey of finding myself do to me? Will I keep my sanity?
My dreams, and my goals are not fulfilled within the structure of my employment. This job, and others like it are really all that is left. Working in a cubicle, 8 1/2 hours a day. Mind numbing, soul crushing. Apologizing for something you didn't do, call after call after call. The callers really don't want to hear it. They want their problems solved. But the people that made the rules are insistent. It's obvious they've never worked the phones a day in their lives. It would be so much simple to give them an answer to their problem instead of some insincere apology.
I need a job, to take care of my family. It makes following your dreams hard, I'm going to figure out a way to do it. It's going to be hard, but I won't sacrifice care for my family. My family means more to me than I can put into words, and I will not watch them suffer while I selfishly try to achieve something.
I live within a shadow, one created by societies expectations, and another, closer and forced upon myself by my older family. What they think, feel I should be. It runs counter to my dreams, but I feel that is changing slowly. At 31 this should have happened years ago, it would have allowed me to chase and achieve my dream with out their derision. "You'll never make money in music, you need an actual career, not sitting in some studio.." Maybe I wouldn't have the Bentleys, or the 2.5 million dollar mansion. I'd have a house, low to no debt, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay rent when we both work jobs that are paying a poverty level wage. It's time for me to come out of the shadows, and truly, fully be who I am. Do I even know who I am? What will this journey of finding myself do to me? Will I keep my sanity?
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